GTitel		Things to consider

GL1	 What is domestic violence?
GL2	 What is an argument and what is violence?
GL3	 Who is to blame?
GL4	 He says he's sorry
GL5	 Hitting back?
GL6	 Your rights
GL7	 Where does violence begin?
GL8	 How to stop violence?
GL9	 Does family counselling help?
GL10	 Why is this happening to me?
GL11	 To leave or to stay?
GL12	 How children feel

___________________________________________________________

G1

What is domestic violence?
•  Physical and sexual abuse
•  Insults, humiliation, and threats
•  Isolation and economic violence of the people with whom the abuser lives (or has lived) in order to exercise control and power.
___________________________________________________________

G2

He says he's sorry
...  whenever he fears she will leave him.
When he apologises, she feels she must suppress her own feelings of fear, anger, and outrage.
If this happens repeatedly, she is bound to lose sense of her own feelings and her self-respect.
Renewed abuse despite remorse?
___________________________________________________________

G4

Does this ring a bell?
1. 	He apologises. He is appalled by what he has done.

2.	He tries to find reasons for how such a thing could happen to him: he is full of remorse.

3. 	You comfort him (and forget about your own anger and disappointment).

4.	He tells you what you have to do differently so that he doesn't fly off the handle again (raising the children, money matters, sex, running the household, stop seeing friends).

5.	Then it won't be mentioned again for a long time. Both of you hope that this will be the end of it.

Gx4
And yet
___________________________________________________________

G5

... he remains as domineering as ever:

6.	Then one day - another fight: your arguments are better than his, he cannot have his way, he feels powerless.

7.	He hits out: now he thinks he has the upper hand, feels strong, controls the situation.

8.	You are appalled, paralysed, do not defend yourself.

9.	He works himself into a rage/power trip (which he later calls a "black out").

10.	Then he sees: you are hurt more than he intended. Again he is appalled.

Maybe the roses will be more expensive this time - but the rest remains the same.

Gx5
Why?
___________________________________________________________

G6

He has not questioned his own behaviour
and has learned nothing in the meantime. From now on:

• 	the insults, humiliation, and beatings will get worse

• 	the intervals between his violent attacks will get shorter

• 	the injuries will get more serious
___________________________________________________________

G7

Who is to blame?

A typical feature of abusers is that they never assume responsibility for what they do.
They put the blame on:
• alcohol
• a bad childhood
• stress because of work / unemployment
• the victim

A victim often seeks the reasons for the beatings in her own behaviour. She can then hope to avoid the same mistakes in the future and thus stop the abuse. However, experience shows: an abuser will always find a reason - no matter what the victim does.
___________________________________________________________

G8

Hitting back?
Hitting back - even with words - will not prevent future beatings. It can make the situation worse.

However, a woman who defends herself keeps her self-respect, which is essential for further steps.

She can report the abuser to the police and use legal means to force him to move out and to stay away.
For what you have to do, see the chapters:
»Right to protection« (Gewaltschutz)
»Filing criminal charges« (Strafantrag)
___________________________________________________________

G10

Your rights

You have a right to
• be physically unharmed
• your own thoughts and opinions
• that which is dear to you being treated with respect
• your own friends
• sexual self-determination
• leave a relationship and go your own way

Your wishes are as important as his.
You are not responsible for the behaviour of your partner

__________________________________________________________

G12

What is an argument and what is violence?

Conflicts of interest occur in every relationship. An argument begins.
An argument can degenerate into violence.

An example: Rolf wants to spend the holiday in the mountains where he intends to rent a cottage for the family and go climbing.
Amalie would have to keep house and occupy the children who are still too young for hiking. Therefore she would rather go to the sea and stay in a hotel: sunbathing, swimming, and building sandcastles would be ideal. She suggests going on separate holidays.

In the following reactions, you'll find out what is an argument and what is violence?
___________________________________________________________

G13

G13.1	»But we went to the sea last year. «"
G13.1a	He confirms that there is a conflict of interests – and a compromise is not ruled out.

G13.2	»I've slaved away all year for you and the children, now I want something for myself«
G13.2a	He speaks his mind. Men who do not speak out are more dangerous, as they keep listening to demands until they are ready to explode.

G13.3	»You travel all by yourself? You'll never manage!«
G13.3a	He makes her small, undermining her self-confidence: psychological abuse.

G13.4	He slams the door and leaves the house.
G13.4a	When an argument reaches the point that someone gets hurt (verbally, later perhaps physically), it is wise to leave the scene until emotions have cooled down. Remaining in a conflict situation that threatens to become violent is not brave, but irresponsible.

G13.5	»Every time we stay in a hotel, you meet all sorts of strange people we can't get rid of.«
G13.5a	It makes him feel safer when his partner has contact with no one but him. Isolation is a form of violence, a way to exercise power and control.

G13.6	»Okay then, I'm gonna freeze our bank account.«
G13.6a	He gives her money and takes it away. With economic pressure he exercises power and control.
___________________________________________________________

G14

Where does the violence begin?
Violence has many forms, but always the same purpose - to exercise power and control. Violence destroys a woman's self-confidence, ultimately making her unable to act.

Gx14.1
Intimidation / threats

G14.1
He shouts.
He threatens her - with looks or gestures.
He talks her into believing that she is mentally ill and that he could have her institutionalised.

Gx14.2
Money

G14.2
He delegates the household money and pocket money.
If she earns money on her own, he decides how it is spent.

Gx14.3
Degradation

G14.3
He makes jokes at her expense in front of guests.
If she does not want to be touched, this will not stop him.
If he wants sex and she doesn’t, he disregards her wishes.

Gx14.4
Using the children

G14.4
The children have to tell him what she is doing when he is not around.
If the children are not performing well at school, he puts the blame on her.
He threatens to take the children away.

Gx14.5
Isolation

G14.5
He always wants to know where she is going, who she is seeing.
He forbids her to keep in touch with her family and friends.

__________________________________________________________

G15

How to stop violence?
A woman cannot educate her husband.
He will not change unless his current behaviour is no longer useful, but causes him trouble:
• if he faces penal or disciplinary action at work
• if the woman leaves him

Then he makes an effort, for example:
•  He joins an alcohol detoxification programme (Alkohol-Entzug).
•  He goes to counselling on male violence (Männer-Gewalt-Beratung).

He should have continued with his treatment for several months before the woman can risk living with him again. If he quits earlier, his next relapse is likely to be that much more severe.
__________________________________________________________

G16

Does family counselling help?
No. At family counselling (Familienberatung) you will be encouraged to openly express your opinions and feelings while he is present. He might make you pay for this later.

"In our study (of 63 violent couples), we found that violence had little or nothing to do with the victim. Consequently, couples therapy is pointless. The beatings had no connection to the dynamics of the marriage. The cause of the beatings was not to be found in the relationship, but in the abuser himself."

(When Men Batter Women, Neil Jacobson and John Gottman. New York. 1998, p. 226)

__________________________________________________________

G17

Why is this happening to me?

You are not the only one:
Approximately one out of four women in Germany has experienced physical and/or sexual assaults one or more times that was inflicted by their partner.(1)
Unfortunately, women tend to keep quiet about it when it happens to them, which makes each woman feel hers is an isolated case.
It often happens to women who are successful; frequently more successful than their partners.

Abuse can be found in every kind of relationship where people live together – regardless of education, income, gender, or age.
Domestic violence seems to be just as common in gay and lesbian relationships.
The elderly and people with disabilities are at particularly high risk of becoming victims of domestic violence.

(1) Lebenssituation, Sicherheit und Gesundheit von Frauen in Deutschland, 2004, www,.bmfsfj.de > Forschungsnetz > Forschungsbericht

___________________________________________________________

G19
To leave or to stay?

Reasons for staying:

•  threats from the man
•  material concerns
•  fear of being unable to manage alone
•  concerns about the children
•  hope that he will change
•  feeling ashamed about failing as a wife
•  pity for the man - instead of for oneself
___________________________________________________________

G20

Reasons to leave:

The longer she waits, the harder it gets:
• the violence will escalate each time
• her self-confidence deteriorates
• continual fear paralyses her
- her health is suffering

She gains:

• confidence in her own strength
• strain decreases
• many mental and physical disturbances disappear
• she is no longer isolated, she can talk about it with others
• she has a future again

___________________________________________________________

G21

Temporary separation

You can also temporarily:
• move into a women's shelter (Frauenhaus) or
• obtain a legal order that the abuser move out (Wegweisung)

Now that you are safe, you can
• take time to think about what you really want
• negotiate with your husband/partner
• take legal action without exposing yourself to immediate danger
___________________________________________________________

G22

How children feel

Many women try to hide the abuse from their children in order to protect them, or because they feel ashamed.
But if the mother does not talk about it, the children will not dare to bring it up. There is a chance that she is staying with the abuser so the children can have a father, while the children hope that she will finally leave him.

Gx22.1
How children suffer

Gx22.2
What children learn

Gx22.3
"Children need their father"

Gx22.4
Abusers as fathers

Gx22.5
Are the children being sexually abused?
___________________________________________________________

G23

How children suffer

Even if the children do not actually see the acts of violence, they are aware of exactly what is going on. A study on domestic violence showed that nearly all of the children were able to describe what happened in detail.

Children often believe it is their fault that their parents are fighting. They try not to make any mistakes and to protect their mother when she is attacked. When children realise that they are unable to make a difference, they become quiet and nervous or extremely aggressive.

___________________________________________________________

G24

Consequences

• 	depression, suicidal thoughts
• 	bed-wetting, headaches, eating and sleeping disorders
• 	drugs and alcohol
• 	excessive violence
• 	failure at school

Because tension at home overwhelms the children, they seek to divert their parents' attention back to themselves by unusual behaviour.

However, parents in a home where domestic violence occurs will not respond with sympathy, but rather with anger or violence. The instance of child-beating is seven times higher in such families than in others.
___________________________________________________________

G25

What children learn

Children who witness violence between their parents have a high risk of repeating such behaviour as adults in their own relationships.
They do not learn to negotiate compromises, but that the strongest wins by using violence. Girls and boys learn it is normal that men act like tyrants and treat women with contempt.
___________________________________________________________

G26

"Children need their father"

What children need is:

• 	a life without brutality, fear, and humiliation
• 	a life together in respect, trust, and peace
• 	clear guidelines for behaviour
___________________________________________________________

G27

Abusers as fathers

•  Domestic violence frequently begins or escalates during pregnancy. This may lead to premature births, stillborns, or prenatal defects.
• The majority of abusers also beat their children and often sexually abuse them as well.
• 50% of child abduction cases are committed with the intent to get the mother to return or to punish her.
• Fathers demand that the children spy on their mother, which forces them into a perpetual loyalty dilemma.
• Some abusers  - even if they are not the biological father - demand that custody of the children be withdrawn from the mother.
• Fathers enforce and exercise their visitation rights to further harass or injure the mother. They often find out the protected address of mother and child (children) this way as well.
___________________________________________________________

G28

Are the children being sexually abused?

Many children will hide acts of sexual assault. An abuser usually intimidates his victim to ensure this secret is kept. Furthermore, the child feels guilty and ashamed of what is happening to him/her.
Children must first overcome these barriers of guilt and shame.
Tell the child that he/she has the right to say "no" to anyone who makes sexual demands, regardless of who it is.
If you suspect sexual abuse, seek advice from:

The Children and Young Persons' Emergency Hotline (Kinder- und Jugendnotruf)
Children's Protection League (Kinderschutzbund)
"Wildwasser" - an association against the sexual abuse of girls
__________________________________________________________